Iceland's on Crack
by MasterFinland
Summary: The Nordics are a wacky family. Iceland is the wackiest, but they all have their moments. From wanting to be a stripper to his obsession with rainbow socks, this child is in need of some serious help. CRACK FIC. Characters: Iceland, Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Finland. Extras: Sealand, Hong Kong, and others. Hinted DenNor, SuFin, and possible HongIce. Requests are welcome!
1. Game Night Part 1: Monopoly

_**Summary- **__If all the Nordics ever played Monopoly it would probably end with _

_Denmark drunk and crying in the corner _

_Finland foaming at the mouth and hanging off of the ceiling fan _

_Iceland shoving all of the money in his mouth. Next goes the board._

_Norway evaporating. He just evaporates. Gone. Bye. _

_Sweden didn't even come. Not after last time._

* * *

Game Night.

It was both everyone's favorite time, as well as everyone's least favorite.

Reasons for these varied by game.

The Game of Life, Cards Against Humanity, Clue, Headbandz, Guess Who, Would You Rather, and more.

Tonight, however, Monopoly had been chosen.

Monopoly was always a bad idea.

Always.

Things tended to be fine the first little while - except before beginning, when everyone was trying to chose their pieces - they all wanted to be that stupid little dog - then things started getting bad.

Game pieces were thrown, vases were smashed, regrettable things were said.

This time though, things got worse.

Monopoly would not be played again.

Ever.

* * *

"YOU FUCKING IDIOT! OH MY GOD! _YOU _PASSED BOARDWALK, _YOU _HAVE TO PAY LUXURY TAX! I HAVE A HOTEL, SEE?! SEE?! PAY IT OUT YOUR LAVA-COATED ASS!"

"I DON'T HAVE TO DO SHIT, YOU STUPID PILE OF PUFFIN COCKS! I'M _ICELAND! ICELAND I TELL YOU!" _

"YOUR DUMBASS COUNTRY DOESN'T EVEN HAVE ICE!"

"FUCK YOU! AT LEAST I'M NOT SWEDEN'S BOTTOM BITCH!"

"BOTTOM BITCH? WHO DO YOU THINK I AM? BOTTOM BITCH! BITCH, I AM FINLAND! _FINLAND_! I TOP THE _FUCK _OUT OF HIS ASS!"

"FINE THEN, PINOCCHIO!"

"BITCH, I WILL _CUT YOU!"_

Finland dove for the young Icelandic nation, destroying the progress made. Denmark screamed, throwing himself at the board in anguish.

"YOU _ANIMALS_! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE _**DONE**!"_

He gave a horrid sob, laying down next to the destroyed game. His beer was still in his hand, and he curled around it as well as he could.

Norway watched silently from his place, covered in game pieces and money. He just stared, silently, seeming to fade away.

Oh.

Well.

Now he really was fading away.

Iceland screamed when Finland yanked his hair painfully. He pulled himself barely free, clawing his way from the other's grip, Tino wrapping nearly his whole body around Emil's legs. He howled, grabbing every bit of money he could and shoving it in his mouth.

"ICELAND WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?! SPIT IT OUT, _SPIT IT OUT!" _

Finland gave a high-pitched, rage-filled shriek, shaking the Icelandic nation by his shoulders in horror.

He had eaten the money.

He had _eaten_ it.

And now he was going for the board!

"NO! NO! NO! EMIL NO!"

Finland shrieked.

Iceland ripped a rather large chunk of the game board off the whole, shoving that in his mouth as well, staring Finland directly in the eyes.

Finland, eyes now bleeding tears, screamed, collapsing onto the ground in a heap. He shrieked a mighty shriek, pulling at his hair from the fetal position.

"NO ONE CAN STOP ME NOW! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Iceland howled in victory, volcanoes erupting behind him.

Denmark still sobbed in the corner, clutched to his beer. Norway had disappeared.

But, what was that?

That little thing in the window-

Oh.

Right.

That was Sweden.

He didn't come to play.

Not after last time.

He observed the chaos, relieved he wasn't there.

No more Monopoly for them, it seemed.

Sweden shook his head in disdain, turning and leaving.


	2. Chapter 2: Swedish Fish

Today, the Nordics were going on a road trip.

Of course, being them, it wouldn't be normal.

Or necessarily fun.

But, they could try.

They could _try_.

* * *

"Iceland, stop!"

"No!"

"Dammit, quit!" Tino howled, slamming his hands against the dashboard. The Swede next to him sighed, simply turning onto the desired street.

"Don't tell me what to do! You're not my mom!"

Finland shrieked, diving in the back.

He hadn't stopped singing that fucking Kanye West song!

It had been four hours!

_Four. _

_Fucking. _

_Hours._

And he _just kept going_.

The Fin bit the younger's arm, sinking his teeth into the pale flesh.

"OW! FINLAND STOP! HE'S BITING ME! NOR! NOR! HE'S BITING ME!" He shrieked, repeatedly smacking his head.

Norway only sighed, flipping the page in his magazine lazily.

"Sverige, can I come sit in the front? Since Tino's attacking Iceland and all." The large, quiet Swede nodded.

"Dude! Dude! Nor! Look! Maybe that place has a bathroom!" Denmark whined, his hands between his legs. "C'mon! I gotta go!"

Lukas wrinkled his nose.

He hated gas stations.

But Mathias kept whining, and Lukas had to admit, his bladder was getting rather full.

He sighed. "Fine. But let's make this quick."

Mathias thanked him over and over - very loudly, might he add - tackling him into a bearhug. Lukas grunted, patting his back, which was awkward due to their positioning.

Berwald pulled the car into the lot and parked, removing the keys.

Finland stopped biting the Icelandic nation, whose arm was lodged in between his teeth, rising up. Iceland stopped tugging his hair, but still held it tightly in his grasp.

"Why'd we stop?"

"We're taking a bathroom break." Lukas grumbled, climbing from his seat.

Iceland grinned devilishly.

"Think they have Swedish Fish?" He whispered to the Fin, who gave him a horrified expression.

"N-No!"

He tried to stop the Icelandic nation from jumping from the car, but was only a second too late. He swiped at air, then proceeded to give a mangled shriek, jumping and tumbling after him awkwardly.

"Iceland! No!" He slammed into the door, not even realizing it was there in his panic. He yanked it open, throwing himself into the mini-store.

Though he was far too late.

Iceland had opened the bag, grinning like the devil.

"I opened it. Now we have to buy it."

"N-No we don't! Just put it back on the goddamn shelf!" He shivered, freezing up.

And then Iceland promptly stuffed two in his mouth.

"NO FUCK YOU! EMIL, SPIT THEM OUT!" Finland shrieked, fisting his hands into his hair.

He fell into a defeated heap as the others rushed over, stopping dead in their tracks.

No.

This wasn't happening.

It couldn't be.

"**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"**

Denmark wailed, collapsing to the floor, dramatically beating his fists against the tiles underneath him. Sweden bowed his head, as if he were at a funeral. Norway groaned, facepalming.

Iceland cackled, grabbing two more bags, almost done with the first.

"Fine. But you have to _swear_ that you're not going to get weird with them in the car. So help me Odin and Thor, I will pull the fuck over and whoop your lily white ass."

"I swear."

He glared. "Put them on the counter. Everyone else find something." They all nodded.

Finland grabbed a KitKat; Sweden got oreos; Denmark got Doritos, and Norway got a Scandinavian chip called Smash.

Once everyone's bladders were empty, the Nordics filed into the car, ready to get this tiring car ride over with.

But it was far from over.

So very far.

Iceland had kept his promise, like the good boy he was. At first.

_At first._

But, he decided against his promise once Denmark reached for a gummy.

Screw promises, these fish were _**his**_.

"**NO!"** He smacked the larger man's hand.

Denmark gasped, quickly pulling his hand back.

"WHAT THE FUCK? EMIL, THAT _HURT!"_ He lunged at Iceland, fighting to get his hand in the bag.

Mathias dove for him, seeming to forget that they were in a restricted space.

Once Denmark was firmly on top of him, Iceland screeched like a dying bird and kicked open the car door.

Finland shrieked, grabbing for the small boy as he plummeted out onto the busy highway.

"YOU CAN'T TAKE THEM AWAY FROM ME!" The Icelandic nation screeched as he ran to the small wood beside the highway.

Sweden groaned and pulled over, putting the car into park and slamming his head against the steering wheel. Norway sighed, placing his hand on his friend's back in comfort, who grunted his thanks.

"Someone needs to actually go get him… Other than Fin and the Dane… I'm too small, Sverige…" Lukas sighed and patted his back.

"Fine," he grumbled lowly, bringing his head up. It had a large red mark from where he'd pressed so hard against the leather wheel. "Just watch Danmark."

"Takk." (Thanks)

The Swede grunted, climbing from the car.

"Förbered dig." (Brace yourself)

Lukas nodded at him, wishing him luck.

There was loud shrieking from both Finland and Iceland.

Berwald came back about ten minutes later, dragging Iceland and trying to calm Tino, who was wailing about the large bite in his arm.

Lukas sighed, placing his head in his hands.

Oh, how he wished he had the ability to ignore Denmark's puppydog face, or that Sweden had the courage to ignore Finland's.

They wouldn't be in this mess if they could.

He lifted his head, looking at Sweden with a sigh.

"What did he do?" He asked, afraid of what the answer might be.

"He b't me."

"He bit _me_!" Finland sobbed.

"So he's biting people now… Great…" He sighed and ran a hand through his platinum blond hair.

"I wiLL nEvEr qUIT!"

"Emil!" He turned to Sweden. "Put him in the car! Now!"

Berwald complied, tossing the Icelandic into the back seat.

Emil shrieked, clawing at the seats.

Denmark and Finland held him back as best they could, Norway rubbing his temples.

Though, apparently, as best they could wasn't enough.

Iceland jumped from the car, climbing onto the roof.

He shrieked, holding the Swedish fish over his head.

"I WIN, YOU ABSOLUTE DOUCHE PICKLES! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Emil get in the car," Norway said, rubbing his temples once again.

"mAKE ME _BITCH_!" Iceland screamed, jumping into the nearest tree, screaming like a murderous banshee.

Berwald growled, climbing up on top of the car.

"G't down. Emil, I swear I w'll come up th're!"

"DO IT! **I **_**DARE**_ **YOU!**" He shrieked, his entire body wrapped around a loose branch.

Sweden climbed onto the car, reaching up and yanking the sugar-rushed young man down into his arms.

"NO! DON'T TOUCH ME!" He kicked his feet.

"B' still, Emil." He shoved the boy into the back seat, who screamed even louder. The large Swede climbed into the front and immediately began driving, not even bothering to buckle his seatbelt or wait for the others to do so.

* * *

Maybe full family Nordic vacations - roadtrips in particular - weren't a wonderful plan.


End file.
